Setting The Stage

This is the story of how I achieved my highest potential. It starts at the only place that has ever existed: here and now.

It's a strange place to start a journey because, in a vaccum, it's hard to know where you're going. 

I might prefer to focus on fragments of moments gone, that lie within. I might remember better times, where I felt lighter and more at ease.

Presently, I'm at the worst point in my life. Where once I earned a living and felt independent, today I leech off my parents. 

The man who ran circles around a gym and fought combat sports, now stuggles to bend over without passing out.

The boy who believed he could do anything, now puts off the smallest tasks for days on end. A child brimming with love for his heroes.

Where did it all go wrong? I'm not leaving on a perilous journey without reason. 

I do so as a last resort. My life feels unbearable after everything that has happened.

Something needs to change.

What do I carry with me now? So full, yet so hollowed, crushed by worthless, empty baggage. That's the problem with starting off on the wrong foot.

Is the past as brilliant as I remember it? Unlikely. Does it have anything to do with where I must go? Most likely.

Can I ever be as light as I used to feel? Can I shift the trajectory of my life? Probably not. That's a good place to start.

The first demon that blocks my path: 

The Paradox of Presence. 

The here and now doesn't exist in a vaccum. It never did. What happened created the world as it is, just as it leads to what will be. 

Yet, I never knew what came before when I was doing well, how will it help me now? These memories are part of my demons. I can hear them whisper to me now...

"What a JOKE! How many times have you tried to claw your way out of this pit!? What makes this time any different! 

Oh you are the best, you know that? My favorite little toy that never runs out of juice! 

I told you this every time you gave in. I'm not an illusion. That's what Life is...

Me? I'm your only fucking friend. I am inevitable. I'm absolute.

A life full of running around from my sweet embrace?

It's for the dogs, I tell you!"

Apathy. Determinism. It seems pitch-black, pure evil. The angels aren't any better. Playing their part by just pushing back...

"Fight for you limits, and sure enough, they're yours. The future is still unwritten.

Have faith in yourself. Believe in your dreams. The past doesn't seal your fate. 

The world is good. There's light in the darkness. Keep moving forward.

Every breath is a gift. Life is worth living."

Hope for a better future. Idealistic, bright-eyed, and perfect. Nothing tortures me more than my ideals. It's the flase dichotomy that tears me apart.

A fight with no winners. A war with no end. I'm not a battleground, I'm a living, breathing, creature. 

Some chains feel like they can never be broken. How about we split the difference.

Life only happens in the middle. So, who so I want to be?

A Joyful Terror

The real world seems scary to me. Nothing really makes sense to my feeble mind. So I prefer to dumb things down into simplicity. 

It feels safe and comfy. A journey is the opposite of that. Venturing out into the unknown threatens my peace. I don't really feel up to it.

That's why things got as bad as they did, or at least that's how it seems. But no more shall I fight fruitless battles. I'll just let it be.

In fact, I'll lean into simplicity. What's a good life for me? It starts with some movement, filled with gratitude. Driven by curiosity, searching for discovery.

A little bit of growth and learning. Building something beautiful worth admiring. That's not too much, is it? I can't think of anything better.

Move a little, build some more, and explore a lot. Laugh, cry, jump, and fall. Try something new, learn something useful, and grow bit by bit. 

Thankful, wonderful, and curious. That's all I want to be. 

That's worth more than peace.